Suffering and Loss

Posted in Emotional · Perspective |  Email This Post | by James Rick

A friend asked recently about the suffering and loss of a dear loved one. Apparently her grandmother suffered for two years with a tube down her throat in a nursing home before passing on. The experience was hard on her and the fact that such a good woman had to suffer so horribly made the father question the existence of a God.

Sometimes extreme suffering and loss can cause us to question whether there really is a ‘caring’ entity known as God or if we’re all just on this planet through some accident. While I cannot answer what ‘God’s’ plan is, or what the specific ‘meaning’ is behind an individuals suffering (the ‘reason’ is different for everyone), I do believe there is a way to RESPOND to suffering and loss in a healthy manner. Having a method for dealing with loss doesn’t mean loss won’t still hurt, it just means you can learn from it and get on with your life more quickly.

A DISCLAIMER ON ‘LOSS EFFICIENCY’
Sometimes people subconsciously want to suffer for extended periods of times as a way to remain connected with the object of their love or to express how much they truly cared for someone. Dealing with loss quickly and moving on with life is generally not acceptable in today’s society. If a man’s wife dies and he’s out enjoying himself a week later – for most people that must ‘mean’ he didn’t really care for her or maybe he secretly wanted out of the marriage. They most likely wouldn’t think, “Oh, he must have an effective method for dealing with loss.” As a result of society’s linking mourning to caring, a prolonged period of suffering (or appearing as though they are suffering) might actually be preferred by some.

On the other side of the coin, some people have naturally developed the ability to move on quickly and might feel guilty about doing so. They might ask themselves, “What is wrong with me – why don’t I suffer longer like everyone else? Do I NOT care?” Understanding that subconsciously you might link your mourning period to caring is important. When your realize that the length of time you suffer doesn’t necessarily equate to how much you care – you free yourself from prolonged suffering. You can really love and care for someone AND return to a resourceful state quickly.

~~
A letter to a mourning grand daughter and a father questioning the existence of God

Sorry to hear about the challenges your grandmother faced before leaving this planet. As for the ‘meaning’ behind your grandmother’s suffering – I can understand why that might cause someone to question spirituality and the existence of God. I have struggled with the question myself when I think of soldiers beating down doors, raping and then murdering a mother in front of a husband and children. Imagining extreme evil helps to define extreme goodness. Extreme suffering creates a space for extreme joy to exist. In the words of Kahlil Gibran, “Sorrow carves out our being, but the space it makes provides room for more joy in another season of life.”

THE MEANING OF SUFFERING & LOSS
The meaning of your grandmother’s suffering is whatever you make it – and it’s different for everyone. To your grandmother it could be the final phase of her journey where she had an important lesson to learn about letting go of her body and the need to control things; an important lesson for the Ego to learn. For your father it could be a lesson of detachment from that which is temporary; it was inevitable that they would have to part ways on this Earth, one way or another. Perhaps he should be grateful that it was she that went first instead of him, for example is it possible that ‘God’ may have spared your grandmother from having to watch HIM suffer and die? Perhaps a loving God would know that it was HE that was the stronger of the two.

NEVER WHAT WE EXPECT
Death and suffering never really does happen the way we would expect. There’s a good chance we will be sad, disappointed and surprised anytime someone close to us suffers and dies, yet this has been going on for thousands of years. All you have to do is look around and see there is loss happening every day. The only guarantee in life is change. Everything and everyone around us are temporary. This includes our closest relationships and our own physical body.

UNDERSTANDING TEMPORARINESS
Understanding the dual nature to all creations prepares you for loss. When we are in love – we should not be surprised if hate or pain lurks on the other side. When we enjoy something temporary, we should not be surprised if loss and suffering happens.

Even with understanding, loss may still hurt when it happens – but it helps to really embrace the temporariness of life in advance. Rather than getting angry or feeling singled out – we can say “well, it is what it is“. It is what it is. (no meaning associated with it, just a statement of fact.) This doesn’t mean we didn’t care very much for the person or whatever we lost. It simply means we recognized even during the ‘glory days’ it was all a temporary experience. And rather than becoming attached to the things we enjoy most (like people and conditions)– instead we can truly appreciate them when they are here and wave good bye in a healthy, resourceful manner when they are gone.

IN SUMMARY
1) Change is going to happen whether we like it or not. The only thing we decide is how we respond to the inevitable.
2) Reminding ourselves daily that everything we are experiencing now is temporary (by imagining them as already gone), will prepare us when the inevitable departure occurs.
3) And when loss happens – we don’t have to link any meaning to it. It is what it is. The important question to ask is this: What have I learned from the experience so I can be a better person and live a better life?

Leave a Reply